Original article from VeryWellMind
The five love languages describe five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. These are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
Knowing your partner’s love language and letting them know yours is a way to help you both feel loved and appreciated. Author and pastor Gary Chapman describes how to use these love languages to show your partner you care for them in a way that speaks to their heart.
The Five Love Languages
Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding each other’s needs.
That led him to come up with five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:
Words of Affirmation
“Words of affirmation” is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone’s primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person’s day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.
Quality Time
Someone with this love language values your full presence when you are together. They feel most loved if you give them your undivided attention and spend time together in meaningful and interactive ways. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, thoughtfully interacting, and actively listening.
People with this love language are looking for quality over quantity.
A person with physical touch as their primary love language feels love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example.
This person’s idea of a wonderful date night might be cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, slow dancing together with a lot of physical contact, or taking a long walk together while holding hands. They feel most loved when physically interacting with their partner.
Acts of Service
Acts of service are nice things you do for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as:
- Helping with the dishes
- Running errands
- Vacuuming
- Putting gas in the car
If your partner’s main love language is acts of service, they’ll notice and appreciate little things you do for them. They tend to perform acts of service and kindness for others, too.
Receiving Gifts
For someone who resonates with this love language, gifts symbolize love, care, and affection. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into selecting it.
People who enjoy receiving gifts as part of their primary love language do not necessarily expect large or expensive presents; it’s more the effort and thoughtfulness behind the gift that count.
When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you are thoughtful and really know and care about them and their preferences. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.
Are There Other Love Languages?
According to Chapman’s framework, the original five love languages have stayed the same, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to express and receive love.
This is just one framework, and there have been several proposed additions over the years. For example, ideas like shared experiences and emotional security. The more we think about ourselves and what fills our relationship tank, the more ways we have to help our partner love us in the way we most want to be loved.
How to Identify Your Love Language
In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:
- Tells you, “I love you,” or praises something you did?
- Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
- Plans a trip for just the two of you?
- Runs the errands or does the laundry?
- Holds your hand while you’re walking?
Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner.
Your partner’s love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language (and you, theirs), they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.
Take our fast, free quiz to find out your love language: HERE
